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By PAUL BRENNER
Fantoma has released a truly loony four-volume DVD set culled from four decades of 16mm social
guidance films (or as Fantoma explains on the packaging, "a guided tour through the darkened classrooms of the past")
entitled "The Educational Archives." The set features the greatest hits of Encyclopedia Britannica, Coronet, and Centron
(home of Herk "Carnival of Souls" Harvey), the nether film studios of cultural brainwashing. Bob Dylan's "Subterranean
Homesick Blues" yelp of "twenty years of schoolin' and they put you on the day shift" leaps from the subtext of these
short films that sought to teach students how to become "useful members of society." It is quite a collection. With each
passing film one can actually witness the murky formation of the unyielding Republican spirit of the millennium.
The films on the four discs are collected in various themes. Volume I, Sex and Drugs, subjects virgin minds to the evils
of hard drugs, soft sex and visa versa. Where else (except in your worst nightmare) can you get to see Ward Bond and Tim
Holt with syphilis, Sal Mineo raging sarcastically against both LSD and the love generation, or Sonny Bono, decked out
in a gold lame jumpsuit, intoning the dangers of grass. Volume I also offers a Neanderthal depiction of menstruation
("the curse . . . you know . . . being unwell") as well as a hilarious sequence with a group of well-meaning counselors
trying to make themselves feel at ease in discussing sex by shouting out creative synonyms for the word "penis." Volume
II, Social Engineering 101, tackles social etiquette and manners with Dick York as the "Shy Guy," two horrific cartoon
mutations (Chalky, a surly chalk drawing extracted from the bowels of Windsor McCay, and Soapy, a "living cake of
soap"), and Mr. Bungle, a nasty puppet whom the narrator uses as a psychic bludgeon to force lunchroom manners into a
hateful, ten-year-old Nazi. Volume III, Driver's Ed, takes on driving, obeying traffic laws, and not drinking while
driving a serial killer style van. The voice of James Stewart narrates a cute confection with tiny tots driving around
in kiddie cars, Brian Forster (later the annoying like brat from "The Partridge Family") converses with a talking car,
and Robert Young, a self-proclaimed alcoholic, warns of the dangers of DWI. Volume IV, On the Job, covers work related
matters like gossiping gals, disgruntled employees, and demonstrates how the lack of job safety procedures leads to dead
dogs and severed arms. Special Bonuses include filmstrips and the brilliantly realized "classroom experience," where you
can program your DVD player to re-create the tinny classroom speaker sound and the clattering of the old Kodak Pageant
projector to achieve total aural ambiance.
The Educational Archive is packaged uniquely in a tin lunch box, complete with a working thermos -- just the place to
stash your drugs and booze before heading out for a joy ride. |
